@DeadLioness

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

@TEXASVETERAN

I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: There’s a real fat one on the other team!
Her: “My son’s not fat!”
How you know I was talking about him?
“Cuz he’s the..”
Fat one?
“Ya.”

@KentWGraham

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@KyleMcDowell86

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

@dinokitten

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

@kcmoore51

Don’t like me? You’ll come around.

– Onion Rings