Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all