Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
boat question
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?