just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.