just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Talk about a bad egg
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate