just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
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Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
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glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?