Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

everyone’s a critic

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week