Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
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when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
What
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]