Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
That eye roll….
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come