Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”