Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa