Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Feels like there should be a middle ground
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”