Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Help me. I just emailed someone called Colin and it autocorrected to Colon. I called him Colon. I’ve sent it, it’s too late. Just saw it now. Do I apologise or act like I don’t know. Is anyone else here called Colin. Does this ever happen? What are your expectations?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
me when i see my girls butt
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated