Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
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I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Don’t forget to tip your server
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My blood type is coffee.
Morning all.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”