Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

#MeanwhileinCanada

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

This tweet has been deleted

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.