Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
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my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Fiction has to make sense.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder