Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

COP: please step out of your vehicle

ME: finally *leaves body*

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

making sure he doesnt get away

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”