Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

*looks at you in batman voice*

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

vampire: *goes to bite me*

me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan