Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS