Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.