just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.