just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
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How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree