Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
yea so i messed up lol
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages