Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
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detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…