Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
You Might Also Like
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me opening up to someone
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO