Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Canada has crack?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.