Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down