Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
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Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.