just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You Might Also Like
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
found this cool rock hiking today
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.