just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex