Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.