Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
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Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct