Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!