Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me