Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.