Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them