Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
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The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate