Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
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Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”