Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.

My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?

Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

prepare for carbonated trouble

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out