Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

TRAIN’S HERE

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.