Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
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Going into Monday like
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit