Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
#oldknees
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.