Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
oh my gosh!!
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?