Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
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I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me