Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”