Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
When someone says you are so lazy
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence