Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Don’t talk down to me

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”