Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

Tell the colonel to bring it

C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.