Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

[my first day as a bartender]

Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke

Me: Is Pepsi ok?

Customer: Sure

Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.