Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
You Might Also Like
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
You look like you would fail a DNA test
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Genius idea!!
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you