Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

Pretty much. 🤣

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.

Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

[inventing colonization]

britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable

Me: Snack?

4: anything please

Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?

4: whatever you want

Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?

4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE

*brings snack*

4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

#HatDadJoke

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.