just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
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Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Worth the read.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying