just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
The happy life.. 😊
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell