Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this