Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

6: you’re going 75

Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit

6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!

Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.