Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw you checking me out.

Cashier: Literally my job, sir.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

Job interview:

– Good morning

– Good morning

– Have you got a twitter account?

– Yes

– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified