Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?

Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.

Banker:

Me:

Banker: I’m in.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

Here to help

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you