Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Oh thanks BBC.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?