Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!