Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

Friend: How’s the new job?

Me: Can’t complain

Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?

Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”

20-year-old: “What’s a check?”

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way