Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.
My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Back up so I can take your picture.
A little bit more distance.
Drop off the Earth.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.