Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?


She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home


I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.


My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge


[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]


Back up so I can take your picture.



Keep going.

A little bit more distance.

Drop off the Earth.



We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”



Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”


Shoutout to people making lists with things already done just so they have something to cross off.