Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.