Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Who knew!
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.