Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems

Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms

me: hmmm *writes note*

therapist: what did you just write

me: doesn’t feel so great does it

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Me:

My dad:

Me:

My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.