@sirmunchie

JUST ONCE MORE! PLEEEEEEASE? I PROMISE THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME! LET ME DO IT AND I’LL NEVER ASK AGAIN!

-Liam Neeson pitching “Taken 3”

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@IvoryGazelle

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@thenatewolf

ME: Being a scientist is just asking questions. So, in a way, we’re all scientists.

ACTUAL SCIENTIST: No. Becoming a scientist requires years of-

ME: Looking up at the stars in wonderment. I hear you, respected peer.

@primawesome

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

@TonyFan1420

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

@CornOnTheGoblin

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

@mymizztake

15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.