Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
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It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch