Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Erm I’m gonna say no
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze