Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Bringing home a sharpie
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Anarchy
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
reviewed some movies recently
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs