Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.