Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
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Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?