I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.
You Might Also Like
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
You Had One Job!
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
X-tra spooky blend
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC