@cameronrbrown

Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.

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@CheeseDaydreams

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

@thepaulahunt

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@ScottLinnen

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

@nbadag

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@ibid78

“THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED. ARE U ALONE?”
-YEAH, I GUESS I NEVER MET THE RIGHT GIRL, BAD TIMING MOSTLY. ALSO WORK IS HECTIC