Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.