Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.