Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
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Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
accurate
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
No way!
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice