Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Give us this day our daily internet validation

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.

For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.