Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

🔥🔥

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

[bakery]

me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday

clerk: ok what about this one

me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

🤣🤣🤣

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series