Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

How wrong was this guy?

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

(Musicians.)

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.