Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
I am having an out of money experience.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”