Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

Me too 😆

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Who knew!

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

[texting mom]

u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky

Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.