Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
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I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.