Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.