Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
You Might Also Like
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
making sure he doesnt get away
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?